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07/14/2004: "Hungry Like The Wolf"

I'm actually kind of really depressed right now. My Bonsai tree is totally dying. Every day more and more of it's little leaves turn yellow and I have to pull then off because they're dead. I water it daily and it gets plenty of sun... if it doesn't stop dying soon I might have to go ask the tree people again 'what the fuck is wrong with it', because I'd probably get all manic depressive if my tree died.

Up on today's menu is the Statement With the Most Concentrated Bullshit of the month. Today's winner is Rachel Price, a girl I used to go to grade school with. Her away message was as follows:

goin out to dinner with maxie, then i dont know...call me and help me decide to hang out with you! haha ok that was dumb...anyways im outie call me!!
~Rach~ 210 8156

Grah. That pisses me off. Just in general. For instance, the fixation of placing the suffix '-ie' after things it should not be placed after- what the hell? Also the notion that it's my responsibility to convince her that I am worthy of her time is just sickening. I hate people.

This thing gave me an idea though: We should start a big directory of cell phone numbers. You know how people always post them in their away messages with stupid little notes like "call my cellie!!!1!! lolz!11"? Well we take that number, and throw it into a vast database of numbers. Then the next time you want to prank someone, just pull up a random file. You'll have no idea who it is, merely that they deserved to be made fun of via prank phone call.

Speaking of people who need to be pranked: How about Message Board People? I remember I had a dark spell in which I was one of them. Back then (5th Grade) I was big on the Pokemon deal. Mind you this was before it was a total fad, but regardless, I was a hapless PokeFreak. I came across this message board called 'The Pokemon Abode Board'. In those days, I totally bought into the whole charade. I was nice to the moderators, mean to the spam kids, and got on daily to try and get my post number up, even if I had nothing to say at all. Fortunatly for my sake, that board is dead and gone, so none will ever know of my horrific message board endeveradors except ye who read this entry.

Looking back on it now though, I realize how totally lame message boards were then, and still are now. Sure, there area few decent and genuinely helpful boards [See: GreyMatter Forums] that actually seek merely to be helpful. Most all the others though are these evil little hives. Each with their own queen, and subsequent classes of workers, all scurrying about, bickering, talking, flaming, bitching, and what haveyou, that offers no real furtherment of knowledge of information.

Case In Point: I hate message boards because I'm going to be damned if some prick named 'KoolDood128' is going to tell me what's what. For all I know he's a 10 year old who wets the bed and has issues with subtraction....

The other night I was driving home from Lizz's house, doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing. I had the radio on in the car *gasp!* and was listening to a CD. Not just any CD though, my friends, oh no; this one was special. Way back when I was nothing but a mere nerd on the pyramid of awesome (I've recently been promoted to "Head Geek", so don't tell me I haven't done anything with my life) I purchased a compilation of music from the Star Wars Trilogy, the Original and Good One. This CD sat collecting dust from about 6th grade up until a few months ago. I was scouring my room, in an effort to expand my music collection, for CDs I'd purchased in the past and had just left around.

This was one such disk. In any case, I was driving home that night, listening to this CD. Typically, I'd just listen to this CD on a home stereo and that would be that. In the car though... it's an entirely different story. As those opening tones to the theme trilled on, I ceased to be Tom Hogan, Head Geek of Kansas City, Missouri. I was now Tom Hogan, Red 9, of the X-Wing Squadron, a Rebel Pilot fighting a noble battle against the Empire. As I flew down 75th Street, I outran Imperial Starships; and I'm not talking about those bulky cruisers, I mean the big Corellian kind.

Swerving off of 75th onto Jefferson, I prepared to make my attack run in the Death Star trench. A quick check of my display panel revealed that I had a precious 3 minutes before the Rebel Base would be destroyed by the Death Star. Faster, must go faster. Crossing 71st street, I readied my photon torpedoes, this was going to be close-

*foom* Torpedoes away! Giant Explosion! Pull in the Driveway! I saved the Universe! Don't forget to turn off the headlights! My god... I really am still the biggest dork I know...

Dorky is fine as long as it's cool by having redeeming values. Dorky and lame though, is just unacceptable. For instance: Let's say there was this story about this guy who pulls a sword out of a rock and has badass friends and can use magic and stuff. Then we find out that the story was based on a real guy who was kind of an asshole and couldn't do magic. Which item should we pour money into and try to make bitchin'?!

The second one, about the lame dude. And we shall call it "King Arthur"! bleh. What a stinker. I kinda already said what I needed to say. It's about the "real" King Arthur, known throughout the movie as Arturias, or some weird roman shit like that. Merlin is just some creepy old man leading a bunch of guys who painted themselves blue, Lancelot is kind of a perv, and then we have Guinevere. Sweet, Sweet Guinevere, as played by Keira Knightley. When it got to the end battle scene, I figured out why they picked this version of the story.

It got Ms. Knightley into a costume made entirely of Duct Tape and string. Had they done this with the fictitious Arthur, people would have said "Oh my, that's quite excessive and perverted!" but now they merely sit back, smuggly satisfied with the scantly clad actress, saying "Oh my, that's quite historical and accurate!" It's been decided: Hollywood is officially out of ideas.

King Arthur
Quality: 3/5
Group Fun: 3/5
Single Fun: 1/5
Overall-Awesomeness: 2/5

I am typically very forgiving of movies, but this movie legitimatly sucked. Sure it was well made and historically accurate, but that doesn't mean it was fun.

Go see Anchorman instead. It was funny. I rest my case.

Quality: 4/5
Group Fun: 4/5
Single Fun: 4/5
Overall-Awesomeness: 4/5

It was well written, and would be funny any day of the week. Go see it, and if you don't like it, get a sense of humor on your way home.

Two nights ago after seeing

Before Sunset
Quality: 4/5
Group Fun: 2/5
Single Fun: 1/5
Overall-Awesomeness: 3/5

Lizz and I mere milling around at the park. On the way back to the car though, when we had to leave, I noticed there was a cat under the car. Hello Kitty! Anyway, when we actually get there, the cat is gone. Nowhere to be found. As we backed out of the spot I felt for sure there would be a small thud and a death-rattle. Thankfully, no such noises were heard, but this then leaves one with the though:

Where had Fred, the Inter-Dimensional Cat, gone?!
Fred was just your average feline, prowling the streets for a mouse/rat/opossum of sorts, when one day, he fell in a manhole. He followed the tunnel he was now in until it led to a room filled with all sorts of blinking equipment. At this very moment, a power surge occured, giving Fred one hell of a shock. When he came to, he found himself bestowed with the power to jump from dimension to dimension with practically no effort at all.

Fred then wanders the worlds for years, realizing that with each universal switch, he is temporarily rendered free of aging. He emerges from this journey with the ability to read and write 15 different languages, and a full understanding of the Theory of Relativity, among other things. He then spends the remainder of his days solving World Hunger and The Theory of the Universe, combatting Rap Music and Reality TV, and assassinating communist dictators and the creators of CSI Spin-Offs.

The above is yet another example of how much network executives suck. In all seriousness, if it came down to Fred, the Inter-Dimensional Cat, or The Simple Life 2, what would you watch? Sure, Fred is no M*A*S*H*, but he sure beats the hell out of Temptation Island and The Bachlorette. I really wish we could go back to the day and age where people wrote television shows and hired actors to portray either fictitious or real characters. The only reason reality TV is so popular is because all the stations got tired of writing plots. Why bother when morons will prance about in hapless situations?! lolz!!!1!!!11

[/End of Crappy TV Rant]

On the same night we saw Fred, I was driving around, and went up this one street and saw this guy standing by his car. I thought he was holding a baby... randomly, out in the dark. I quickly, and quite subtly I may add, flashed on my High Beams, only to reveal that was no baby. He was actully grasping on to the upper torso of his very blonde and very tan female companion. I'm content to just laugh and drive on. Minutes later though, I had to go down the same street.

I'm pulling up to the intersection, but before I get there, some asshole had stopped in the middle of the road... and was talking to a very blonde and very tan female companion (this time complete with both upper and lower torso)! How dare those bastards! They were street standers! I should have hit them when I had the chance! At about this time, I had the Star Wars music blaring again, so in my fit of anger I just made maleovent laser blaster sounds, and capped it all off with a single photon torpedo blast.

That should teach those assholes... standing in the street, getting in the way of my mission to destroy the death star... conspirators with the Empire... have they no gasp on the repercussions of their actions!?

I wanted to rant on one more thing before this entry was through, so I went to the news. I was distracted from this aim however, by the advertisement embedded within the article. It posed the question: [Which State Is Surrounded By The Most Water?] I saw this, and was intrigued. Typically, these things ask stupid questions like:

(The unanswerable)
Who Will Win The Election
[Bush] [Kerry]

(The Opinionated)
Should Gays Be Allowed To Marry
[Yes] [No]

(The Redundant)
Should Bush Be re-Elected
[Yes] [No]

But this Water one was something different. After a brief moment of thought though, I realized that it's almost as stupid as, if not moreso, than the rest. Look at the question, then ask yourself how exactly does one quantify how water 'surrounds'. You could assume they meant which has the longest coastline, but they didn't ask that. For you to accurately answer that question, you'd have to know specific measurements about the actual depth of the water in the surrounding coast, and at that point, the answer becomes a senseless bit of trivia. Plus, the Hawiian Islands are surrounded by the entire pacific ocean, whereas California, while having a longer coast, only has water on one side...

all of that could have been passable, but the site doesn't even answer the question. Way to go and waste my time. And I just know that someone is going to point out in a comment how the question is actually really simple and easy to answer and Tom is just stupid. If it's you, yes you, just don't, ok? I'm right on this one and I know it.

P.S.: This coming week I'm going to have a rather sizeable chunk of extra time. I'm gonna try really hard then to get the "Movie Review" section up and running. As always, no promises, but I'll do my best.

Why isn't there a TV show about Cowboys?
I'd watch it.
You'd watch it.
The Cowboys would watch it,
and kill those who chose not to.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it,
Network Fucktards.

Replies: 7 Buddies Neglected Their Oral Hygine

Lol, yes, those "out call cell!!!" are incredibly generic of teenagers who use too many exclamation points and replace z's with s's. (I vehemently hate that.) Despite the mostly cynical, dark tone of this entry, your blog remains more interesting than any other blog I read. Updates are good. Be sure to update. :)

Said [Annie] on Thursday, July 15th

I meant "s's with z's."

Said [Annie] on Thursday, July 15th

I like z's with s's better. My name was due for a change.

Said [Liss] on Thursday, July 15th

I knew rachel price too, and I introduced you to that pokemon message board. I've seen it all.

Said [josh] on Friday, July 16th

Before Sunset deserved at LEAST a 4/5.

Said [Kate] on Friday, July 16th

I manage to try and have actual human contact with Kansas, and it seems as if it's fallen off the face of the earth, this is sick, how can the only people on, be from georgia, or worse, Aquinas? You people don't deserve my company all the way form Colorado

Said [Lizz] on Wednesday, July 21st

I can't freaking get on IRC, I can't believe you've all abandoned me. EVIL, IRC is EVIL

Said [Lizz] on Wednesday, July 21st