Jesus Was a Chemist

And Buddha built the A-Bomb

So the other day, Ethan sends me this crazy website. I read it of course and am thuroughly disgusted. The ignorance makes me want to do something rash. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind god and his friends buddha, jesus, allah, and Zeus, really, I don't. It's one thing to be religious; it's another to fuck with science. The latter is totally unacceptable, so I copied the article and inserted my mini-rants in italic red lettering.

I know this probably isn't that funny, but it was a situation that needed fixing, so without any more of my ramblings...

Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair 2001:

As a Creation Scientist [Isn't that an oxymoron?], one of my greatest duties that I take great pleasure in is introducing the works of the Lord to the young generation. The sparkle of wonderment that fills their eyes in knowing the creative power of God fills my heart with the Lord's divine Love. It however saddens me greatly that the proponents of Evolutionism have corrupted this true purpose of science and are instead using it as a propaganda tool to spread Secularism. [oooh. sounds like someone's just scared of going out of business]But what is education for if not to fight against ignorance such as that? Our children are the future face of Science and we must teach them to recognize the truth of the Word of the Lord so as to break the cycle of Evolutionism dogma that is paralyzing scientific development and making higher education a dumping ground for the excesses of materialistic philosophies. [May I remind you, 'Doctor', that these excesses of materialistic philosophies have provided astounding advances in science and technology. Was 'God' going to come down, build old Mr. Smith an artifical heart, then hand it to him in a 'Jesus-LocŪ' bag? I think not. Was 'God' going to stroll into Pentium and help them fit more transistors on a chip so people like you could have computers to write crap-websites like this? I think not.]

To that end, the Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair was started. It's purpose is to get kids excited about Creation and motivate them to discover the truth of our Lord on their own. [What truth?] The Creation Science Fair is held annually and is open to homeschoolers and students from area Christian schools grades 1 through 12. [But none of you public school trash. Jesus doesn't love you like he loves us.]

The 2001 Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair was held on April 16th and great fun was had by all in attendance. Fellowship is proud to be host to one of the largest Creation Science Fairs in the country, this year we had over 200 students present their projects. This is also the first year that Muslim students from the Al-Jannah Islamic school have been invited to participate; two of their students presented a project on human anatomy entitled "Allah (SWT) Created Me" which, while it was found ineligible for a prize due to a number of Biblical inconsistencies, did win a special Interfaith Outreach ribbon. [Damn haters. How would you know if their are Biblical inconsistencies in a Muslim-Based project? How many passages can you cite from the Ko'ran? I'm waiting...]

Below is listed the winners of the major prizes in the three age groups. Space doesn't permit us to list all the many projects presented, however they were all of high quality and academic excellence. Remember kids, just because you didn't win a ribbon, doesn't mean you lost: when it comes to studying the works of the Lord, there are no losers! [Except you public school kids who weren't allowed to compete.]My special thanks to the staff of the FBCSF who helped compile this report.

- Dr. Richard Paley

2001 Prize Winners:

Elementary School Level

1st Place: "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)"
Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey.[No FUCK. Your uncle isn't a skateboard or a Semi either is he? However, upon further inspection you will find him to be a fruitcake.]

2nd Place: "Pine Cones Are Complicated"
David Block and Trevor Murry (grades 4) showed how specifically complicated pine cones are and how they reveal God's design in nature.[...]

Honorable Mention: "God Made Kitty" - Sally Reister (grade 3)
"The Bible Says Creation" - Aaron Kent (grade 5)[Because the authors believed it. Fancy that.]
"Pokemon Prove Evolutionism Is False" - Paul Sanborn (grade 4)[And we all know what a scientific giant Pokemon has proven itself to be.]

Middle School Level

1st Place: "Life Doesn't Come From Non-Life"
Patricia Lewis (grade 8) did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes.[What Patricia failed to realize though, is that the reason this took millions of years (not 3 weeks) was because in order for these things to produce life, heat is needed. If Patricia had pulsated several thousand watts of electricity through her pathetic little jar, she would have found that the 3 non-life substances produce complex proteins, the building blocks of life. What now Patricia?]

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets [as well as asault rifles, contruction equipment, and feminist-movement signs reading: 'Jonathan Goode is a Fashist Pig']; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, [Wow. I wonder how he found that one out.] making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; [By this standard, Blacks, Asians, all ethnic minorities, the elderly, and those hard of hearing can't work as well as your 'normal workers' either.] and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Honorable Mention:
"Mousetrap Reduced To Pile Of Functionless Parts" - Kevin Parker (grade 7)[You Get a gold Star!]
"Dinosaur & Man Walked Together" - Donny Findlay (grade 6) [Then we shouldn't be here, because Dinosaur would have eaten all the Man.]
"Rocks Can't Evolve, Where Did They Come From Mr. Darwin?" - Anna Reed (grade 6) [Minerals. Atoms crushed into a solid state by the force of the big bang. I should slap you for even making referance to rocks and evolution in the same sentance.]

High School Level

1st Place: "Using Prayer To Microevolve Latent Antibiotic Resistance In Bacteria"
Eileen Hyde and Lynda Morgan (grades 10 & 11) did a project showing how the power of prayer can unlock the latent genes in bacteria, allowing them to microevolve antibiotic resistance. Escherichia coli bacteria cultured in agar filled petri dishes were subjected to the antibiotics tetracycline and chlorotetracycline. The bacteria cultures were divided into two groups, one group (A) received prayer while the other (B) didn't. The prayer was as follows: "Dear Lord, please allow the bacteria in Group A to unlock the antibiotic-resistant genes that You saw fit to give them at the time of Creation. Amen." The process was repeated for five generations, with the prayer being given at the start of each generation. In the end, Group A was significantly more resistant than Group B to both antibiotics.[Wait, weren't your little friends up there just bashing evolution? If we never had any need to evolve whatsoever because God made eveything perfect, then why do your little E. Coli need to evolve?]

2nd Place: "Maximal Packing Of Rodentia Kinds: A Feasibility Study"
Jason Spinter's (grade 12) project was to show the feasibility of Noah's Ark using a Rodentia research model (made of a mixture of hamsters and gerbils) as a representative of diluvian life forms. The Rodentia were placed in a cage with dimensions proportional to a section of the Ark. The number of Rodentia used (58) was calculated using available Creation Science research and was based on the median animal size and their volumetric distribution in the Ark. The cage was also fitted with wooden dowls inserted at regular intervals through the cage walls, forming platforms which provided support for the Rodentia. Although there was little room left in the cage, all Rodentia were able to move just enough to ward off muscle atrophy. Food pellets and water were delivered to sub-surface Rodentia via plastic drinking straws inserted into the Rodentia-mass, which also served to allow internal air flow. Once a day, the cage was sprayed with water to cleanse any built-up waste. Additionally, the cage was suspended on bungie cords to simulate the rocking motion of a ship. The study lasted 30 days and 30 nights, with all Rodentia surviving at least long enough afterwards to allow for reproduction. These findings strongly suggest that Noah's Ark could hold and support representatives of all antediluvian animal kinds for the duration of the Flood and subsequent repopulation of the Earth.[We put animals in boxes. We concluded that even animals in cruel and substandard living conditions can survive with proper food and watering. We have our heads up our asses.]

Honorable Mention:
"Geocentrism: Politically Incorrect" - Richard Cody (grade 9)
"Young Earth, Old Lies" - Melvin Knuth & Glenna Reher (grade 11)
"Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" - Tom Williamson (grade 12) ["Quantum Mechanics of Why I Lack a Penis" - Tom Williamson (age 35)]

[Dorky Crap Added at the Bottom]

"Project Dinosaur"
Video: "Mikey discovers a dinosaur bone while working on his science fair project. Realizing that evolution doesn't agree with his Christian beliefs, he resolves to evaluate the theory himself. He must decide what he believes and then have the courage to defend it, even if it means losing the science fair and the respect of his classmates." An inspirational film that will provide powerful lessons for budding Creation Scientists trapped in Secular institutions. [Trapped. Hostages who are being held by people claiming to be Secularists will be given this video to watch in their dire time of need. They were kidnapped by the Evil Secularists, and we're sending this video in with a copy of The bible. ]
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