10/13/2004: "Leaving New York"
It's been forever since I've posted blah blah.
I'll give you some sort of idea of how much time I've had to spare:
Screenplay has come to a virtual stand-still.
Haven't purchased new music in almost a month.
I'm pulling a C+ in PreCalc.
I worked 4 and a half hours at the dry cleaner today.
Fuck all that shit.
Speaking of the dry cleaners, you should know that we do all of the alterations for Tower Cleaners. I was parousing the price list for alts the other day, and I found the best listing ever:
Crotch Job: $ 9.55
That had better be one hell of a crotch job. I myself typically charge 5 dollars for a crotch job. 6 if they're ugly. Seriously though... I'll personally pay for the procedure if anyone comes in and requests a crotch job. I'll give you five bucks extra if you use a coupon.
Lizz dropped by work a while ago after I closed. I let her come behind the counter and look at the stuff that's... behind the counter. She slowly came to a conclusion I'd yet to discern:
I am the only male to have ever worked at that dry cleaner.
All the little post-its are addressed to "girls" and whenever Fran talks about people that have worked there in the past they're female names. There is only one possible conclusion from this:
I am, as many have claimed, a homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I just... don't feel gay. But all signs point to "homo" so I guess I'll be forced to abandon the prospect of "traditional marriage" so highly valued by my great state of Missouri. Apparently gay sex is better though, so that's something to look forward to.
Let's talk about assholes for a little bit here. I was trying to leave school the other day, and I was in the typical procession of cars, weaving my way out of the parking lot, when this fat (stocky) asswipe (jock) walks out in front of my car. 'Funny,' I think to myself, 'Now get the hell out of my way.'
Before I know it he motions to a nearby car, that backs out in front of me and essentially cuts me in the car-line. "This unchecked agression will not stand, man." So I honked. For a long time. Officer Lark and his RoPo (Roeland Park Police) friend gave me mean looks. And the fat (stocky) kid gives me dirty looks in the halls now.
Case in point: We do not fuck with the Radiskull.
I was watching TV a long time ago and there was this movie on called "Good Burger". You may remember it from the early 90's. Its cast was composed mostly of members of the sketch commedy show All That. This movie was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen. On scene in particular went as follows:
[Tom and Erin are watching Good Burger]
Evil Villan: We'll just have to bring in ROXANNE
Henchman: NO! Not Roxanne!
Tom: (Impersonating Sting) Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacksaaaaaaan! You don't have to put on the red light any mooooooooooore!
Erin: Tom, shut up.
Tom: (Still trying to sing) No no no no no, You don't have to sell your body to the night any-
Movie Soundtrack: (Actual Sting) Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacksaaaaaaan!
It was so punk you don't even know. I got all nostalgic though and decided to look up what happened to the cast of All That. I found Nickelodean's official page for [All That]. As you can see, they're trying to bring it back, without any of the original cast. I say "lame"! I wanted to figure out what the All That kids were up to though, so I found a crappy fan website and fired up IMDB and set to work:
ALL THAT: WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
Host of the failed "Amanda Show" and not entertaining at all outside of the context of All That, I've grown to hate Amanda Bynes. I used to have a total thing for her too. What a waste.
Most Recent Noteable Work: What A Girl Wants
He was pretty funny. He's gone on to actually write and produce stuff, which is impressive for a child star. Although he was in Drumline, which automatically makes him a complete and total loser. Sorry. Still cooler than Macully Culkin though. Which isn't saying much.
Most Recent Noteable Work: Garfield (VO)
Lori Beth Denberg
It's the big loud girl! I loved this chick. She was far and away the funniest All That person. She had a fun cameo in Good Burger, so she did alright.
Most Recent Noteable Work: Dodgeball
No idea who this person was.
Most Recent Noteable Work: Snow Day
Protagonist of Good Burger, Keenan was freakin' awesome. He had the whole "somewhat portly african american" bit going on, but he never played the race card with any cheezy black jokes, which I thought was classy. He acted just as goofy as any white person I've every seen, and twice as goofy as any asian kid I've ever seen. I felt like I could connect with him.
Most Recent Noteable Work: Rocky and Bullwinkle (Movie), Barber Shop II
No idea who she was. Maybe because she never did anything after All That.
Same for this girl.
He was the stage manager that always told the crew when they were going to be on and stuff. And then he turned into a pervert.
Most Recent Noteable Work: Stan Lee's Striperella
The skinny kid obsessed with orange soda. And no, I'm not talking about Tim Dixon. Kel was always fucking random as hell, which gives some substance to the claim that crack was prevealant in the early 90's, despite the timeframe of being in the wake of Nancy Regan's war on drugs.
Most Recent Noteable Work: Mystery Men
Was in Good Burger too.
Dude! It's Little Pete! This guy always made me laugh because he was still on Nickelodean when he was like 25. And no one seemed to mind so long as they got to keep reruning Pete and Pete.
Most Recent Noteable Work: Igby Goes Down
And that's really it in terms of All That. None of these people really went anywhere, most of them outwore their welcome on Nickelodean and then went on to make semi-shitty indie movies, and then snag minor rolls in big films. Now if only former members of SNL could do that well on their own, I might regain my respect for sketch commedians roughing it solo.
Does anyone remember The Numbers?
I do. I think I'm going to bring them back.
*goes to get numbers*
Looking at these numbers has forced me to realize just how terribly strange I am. There aren't many other people who'd print off a coded strand of RNA and have as much fun with it as I have. But, I mean that's why you're here, right? If I was just some normal loser that updated once or twice a month, you wouldn't bother to read it.
But I'm crazy.
There's no telling what I'll do next.
I'm still trying to get the movie review site going. We have one film up. Logan's Run. [Check It Out] It's under "L". In case you like... didn't get the alphabet. That being done though, the template is now configured and ready to go, so maybe I'll do some more when I get time. Which is never. Sorry.
A few weeks ago I had to go to this "fiesta" at my church. Normally I would have just taken my typical "I don't go to church" attitude, but the fiesta had free mexican food, and my parents weren't making dinner, so I wasn't left with much of a choice. Inadvertently while there, I ran into some people that were in my gradeschool class. Let's see how everyone's been.
Laura Kerns- Still Amazonian in terms of height. Almost motivated me to stand up straight. No cigar.
Anna Comiskey- Seemed as nice as she used to be. Not that I would know though, because I didn't really make much of an effort to be social.
John Mahoney- Had on a "Don't Mess With Texas" Shirt on. At least he had it on. Last time I saw him he was running about shirtless, a sight I'd just as soon forget. So I think he's still an idiot. Pretty sure.
Molly Miller- Looked even angrier than she used to, which is saying something. [This is a girl who smacked me around in the 3rd grade to the point where my mother authorized me to hit back. I did. It was possibly one of the 5 greatest feelings ever, right behind orgasms and chocolate-induced comas.] Anyway, I had to fight a compulsion the entire night to go up and ask her "Are you still a bitch?"
Charlie Regan's Dad- Has a really gross beer gut.
Keegan Surface- Who apparently skipped the first year of highschool to persue his blossoming career in the presdigous PeeWee-Midget Hockey League [shit you not]. He was at the fiesta and still looked/sounded like an idiot. My favorite memory of him was when he asked me if I knew what a condom was. I told him I'd seen a condominium and thought they were pretty cool.
Girls Three Grades Younger Than Me- Dressed like total tramps. I was mondo-grossed out.
You had to go to the bar to get pop, because the food people are facists. I kept asking if they had vodka and the woman kept telling me "Not for you." I realized at about try number three she thought I was trying to hit on her. I grinned (rather, bared my teeth) and stumbled away drunkenly.
Case in point: I've outgrown everything that place once provided in every possible way, and will continue to avoid returning until I die. Side note: IF you are one of the above mentioned parties, or have relations with one of the above parties, and have issues with these potential attacks on your character: 1. Foreward all complaints to Tom Hogan 2. Promptly go fuck yourself.
I was thinking about the War on Terror the other day, and I concluded that I've lost all respect for terrorists. I mean not that I loved them ever or anything, but to some extent I respected what they did. Right or wrong, they believed in something and saught to fight for what they believe is true. Albeit, I think that their tactics are crude and their message illogical, but that's neither here nor there.
Recently though, they've just no been living up to my expectations. USS Cole, Twin Towers, Oklahoma City, Madrid... All very horrible and catostrophic, but still creative. Nowadays though: Car Bombing, Car Bombing, Anthrax Scare, Car Bombing, Car Bombing, Car Bombing, Mortar Attack, Car Bombing, Take Hostage, Mortar Attack, Car Bombing, Car Bombing, Car Bombing... Rinse and Repeat. I'm no longer scared anymore, so the terrorists lose.
If you're going to fuck with someone, do it with some class. This Car Bombing bullshit lacks creativity and shows a gross decline in effort and attention to detail. I was sitting here pondering this, and I made a startling revelation.
As you can see in the above graph, terrorism and network TV both hearken the begining of their respective vicious downard spirals from different points; but also note the point where they meet and continue on the same path. This point on the graph coincides exactly, to the very day, with the premier of American Idol 2. I kid you not. Scarry stuff.
I think Simon Cowell should be put on the no-fly list.
I also think that Clay Aiken should get prostetic testicles, because he evidently has no real ones. (heyooooh! ...lame, I know.)
And I think Paula Abdul should give me her phone number. So I can prank call her and pretend to be one of her would-be "fans".
When I am King, reality TV will be the second thing up against the wall.
The first being the person who canceled "Pete & Pete".
Sorry again for the lack of updates. Life's busy.
And for all the crap that's going on, not very much is interesting at all.
"Welcome to America, kids."
[I wondered why my old classmates would think of me if they took the time to look at me at the fiesta:]
Still a weird fuck. Except now he looks mean. And like a cowboy. I want to do him.
[Yeah, that's how it'd go.]